I am woman.

I've been searching for a place to start.

Maybe not a place, rather a time.
Now feels as right as any.

Now feels perfect.

I am rocking (violently as my husband describes it) my newborn and extending my fingers to their limit to reach the keyboard, resting on the side table. You should see the jumbled mess I create before editing.

My chin rests against a cheek. The softest skin I have ever known. The patterned breath of a newborn physically... literally... slows my heart. I can breathe.

When my little flower was born, I found myself. I felt real for the first time. There was no question as to who or what I was supposed to me. She broke every rigid shield I had built around me. Every callous, softened. Every thorn was worn smooth. I'll never be able to thank her as there truly are no words.

I became so much more than a mother.

With all of  my seldom seen vulnerability exposed,  a strength, stranger than any other grew inside me. Strong. Fierce. Powerful. Brave. Mighty.

Soft. Sensitive. Discerning. Understanding.

How it could feel like all of these things is beyond me.

Motherhood is so ... crazy.
Something happens in your heart of hearts that cannot be explained. You just change. Everything you once were or once thought is gone. Nothing you have ever been before matters.

Maybe I am speculating here and I know God does this with all his creations. . . but, Imagine His reaction when he created woman. He saw that is was good.
I know he cannot be taken by surprise but I love to imagine his reaction to woman as something engulfed with pride. "This is a wonderful creation".

He created a body from a single rib. A body with a mind far different than any other creature on this earth. Think about your instincts as a woman (I use the term woman to mean whatever it means to you. Single. Married. Mother. Aunt. Sister. Wife.  Whatever it means to you!!) and the way your brain  functions. Your intuition. Your emotions. Your weaknesses. Your strengths.  It blows my mind!!
There is no doubt in my mind that these things were intentional to the core.
Wow.

In the midst of all of this greatness, I feel predisposed to defeat.
I am incredibly blessed with a husband (YES! I got married since my last blogpost!! .. to a man who was literally created as my other half. I am sure of it) who works hard to allow me to raise our children (YES! We had another baby! A beautiful boy who shares a birthday with his big sister!) all day everyday.

As a woman, I've always felt confident as a mother. I've always know this was my strong suit... this was my calling as a woman. How can I be blindsided by all of the thoughts that challenge this part of my identity?!

My house is never clean, I can't catch up. I am filled with guilt because my little flower asks me to play and I'm too busy trying to catch up on last weeks laundry. The baby is crying and I'm nursing him to the 600th time today.. I haven't brushed my hair or showered in 2 days and I am sure my husband has noticed. Dinner isn't even on my radar and its 5pm. Supermom on Facebook is physically building a house, hand-making all of their clothes, and teaching her 6 young children calculus in her spare time (I can't even handle 2). I yelled at my flower for making a mess with her toys and  I am stifling her from all that she is supposed to be. My husband is the only person I have to call when I need a seed of sanity (which is a whole different side of guilt within its self, but that's for a different post). I know you are adding to this list as you read and changing it based on your role in your home.
But ... this^^ this up here  is what I look like.


I go back to our talk about God creating woman. I am a creation far too great to feel defeated. I was not created to fail or to feel mediocre. I was created to be GREAT, to be capable of things far bigger than my own understanding. Don't mistake this for me saying that you need to be and are capable of being the woman who has it all together with a perfectly clean house, well-behaved children, homeschool and pinterest "wins" in every room. Our views of successful "womaning" all look different because...

We are all so different. Our children are all different...
God is the only constant in our lives and I don't believe he created us inequal or inadequate. He didn't give some of us the gift of "all that is woman" and left the other to the wolves.
We are all great. We are all unique. We are all perfect.

The only thing we should be striving for is laying our head down at night and thinking, " I was a better woman today than I was yesterday".
I challenge myself, first, and all of you to do just that. Pick something important to your journey today and strive to  lay your head on the pillow tonight,  knowing that you gave it your best shot.
Tonight, I will lay down my head knowing my house is a mess and I will be glad and rejoice in it ... because, I will have been a better mother than I was this morning. I will hold my son and make sure, without a doubt, that he knows he is loved more than a pile of laundry. He will hear who our Almighty Creator is, and he will know that a man, by the name of Jesus, died just for him!

 I will lay my head down proud of the woman I am and the woman I will become tomorrow.

Where's my baby?

Foreword: I am the most unorganized and eclectic writer so prepare yourself for me to jump all over the page in this one. So many thoughts have been consuming me for days and unfortunately for you, there is absolutely no rhyme or reason for this trainwreck of a blog. Enjoy!

Little Flower is 9 months old as of the 3rd. 

While she is still considered an infant, I no longer look at her as a baby. She is maturing and growing so rapidly that I now see a child; a beautiful, intelligent, loving, headstrong little girl.
Where is MY BABY!?!?!
She has been replaced with a child that can roam around.freely, entertaining herself for hours. She reads picture books, turning each page without a single tear. I see her study just about everything she comes in contact with. She wants to know its purpose, and how it works.
She is no longer as interested in the wrapper, but more so in how to open it and examine what is inside.
The snack containers have been mastered as you can see . . .

She is crawling at the speed of lightening and will be walking , I am guessing, within the month. She has stood up (unassisted) several times, but falls once she realizes she is solo. She is a tough kid, let me tell you what. Momma aint raisin' no wimp. Of course I would never let her fall in a situation where I know she could get hurt. With that said, she bonks herself pretty frequently (as with any mobile child) and, IF she cries, it is only a quick second until I let her know everything is alright..
I am extremely nurturing. I practice attachment parenting and am all about skin-to-skin care, being her rescuer, calming every tear . . . but I refuse to have a 5 year old who has a meltdown when she scuffs a knee on the playground. No sir.

Her big thing right now is sharing. well . . . kind of. She shares all of her snacks with Zuki (our dog) and she absolutely doesn't mind at all. Whether it be a snack or a toy, she extends it to her neighbor, occasionally actually handing it over, but the majority of the time she keeps a firm grip and takes it back before you even have a chance. Regardless of the outcome, she gives the biggest smile you have ever seen. I guess it is the thought that counts.
While I stress how incredibly sweet and loving Amelia is, Ryan and I have deemed her the bully child  (we have even given her an alter-ego as well). She is a big smile-er, but nothing makes her smile more than when she is "beating the love" into someone.  The child literally cackles at the reaction she gets from her (assisted) karate kicks and judo chops. I used to think it was so adorable and cute. I am no longer fooled. Kid packs a punch that you can hear across the house. I entirely believe that she has no idea she causing literal physical harm, but I have seen stars on several occasions. Oy.
I have always been anti-TV. I thought it was a horrible, brain rotting box most commonly used as a baby sitter for lazy parents. Wrong. It is a God-send for sane parents. That thirty minutes in the morning that she is actively interacting with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is my saving grace. It is the designated "hot coffee" time-slot, considering it always gets cold before i have a chance to drink it every other time. Anyhow, it is surprisingly educational and she is picking things up from the show already! It is unreal to see her completely drop EVERYTHING she is doing when the Hotdog Song comes on. She immediately puts all her attention to Mickey and dances her little heart out.
Flower has some rhythm! Every time she hears music of any kind, on television, Ryan playing his guitar, basketball games, church, in the car... you better believe  she is a dancing machine and smiling like no other. I always play the radio during bath time and when she is out of the tub, that naked little butt is gone and groovin'!
Hands down the cutest thing on the planet!

Amelia's vocabulary is getting broader. She mimmicks different laughs and coughs, says momma, nana (nursey), bye-bye, bubba, hello, yellow, paw-paw, Jada (dayda), pop-pop (popsicle) & apple. There have been a few others that she has said once or twice, but I don't think she actually knows what they mean yet.
She loves her pop-pop's, Bub gave her a little lick of a fruit Popsicle a few weeks ago when she was teething and it became a bonding ritual for them I think. They were gone to Florida for a week and when they got home, first thing , he and Amelia are back to sharing their popsicles.
She has six pearly whites and two more just below the surface. I think we have a week or two for these, considering she has been a complete angel the past few days.

---------------------------
I have never been so attached and in love with something as I am with being a mother. Everyday is such an incredible and unique adventure and  I thank God for such a surreal blessing. The changes my life has seen the past few years is such a reminder of how incredible change is.  I see so many changes coming and am welcoming each with open arms.

Firsts.

Little Amelia Flower is dreaming in her crib as we speak, and all I can do is reflect on the abundance of recent firsts. It is such a bitter-sweet emotion, knowing that your baby is learning and developing so wonderfully. I feel selfish even considering wasting a wish on freezing time, but it goes by much quicker than I  am comfortable with. Every first is so incredibly joyous . . . until Momma Bear remembers that it will soon fade into a memory . . .

*pause* wait for the waterworks.

Everyday brings a new first. Some far less exciting for you to read about so . . .

I'll share some of my favorites . . .

Any and all sturdy objects are now subject to be used as a pull-up station. And that is no joke. She can't stand up enough! Fortunately for us, we caught her on video midst a strenuous squat routine. Amelia would pull herself up at the table and squat down to the floor, then back up again. Very quickly at first, but as she progressed she moved a little slower, paired with a grunt/cry/whine. I think it's safe to say she could feel the burn.

Amelia is quite the actress. After a long week of colds and coughs . . . I was becoming a little worried that my symptoms had subsided and hers had not. Come to find out, every time Mommy coughed , so did A. Matter of fact, anytime anyone coughed, it was followed with the most precious, yet entirely pathetic cough you have ever heard! I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard! Now we are at a place where I can say, "Amelia, are you sick?" ... and here it comes.

Just in time for football season, Amelia began sticking both of her arms straight up in the air. TOUCHDOWN!! It's been several months since we learned this trick, but she has learned to do it on command and thinks she is the cutest thing in town.

My personal favorite is the kiss. Initially I showed her how to kiss "the baby" in the mirror, and she caught on  rather quick. Now it has evolved to her kissing EVERYTHING, open mouth and tongue out . . . I love it, slobber and all.

Standing Strong.

Today is a beautiful day.
The first day of December will always stand strong in my mind , but today gives it a whole new meaning to me.
I have realized something that I have avoided thinking about for a long time, and having a daughter now, it is something that I must keep strong in my heart.

I am a survivor of domestic violence.
Today marks the day that I saved myself.
I used to avoid using the word survivor because it makes me seem like I was in a position that I had no control over. And in a way, I didn't. However, it is not something that people feel comfortable talking about. I know I didn't. I guess there was a lot of shame and pain behind the experience I had.
But, if I don't talk about it, how will I ever have the opportunity to help someone else survive. More importantly, how will I educate my daughter on how to recognize the warning signs before it is too late.

Sometimes you have to bite the bullet. Leave your pride at the door and speak out about something less than  anything to be proud of.

It will be a day when pigs fly that I ever put my pride before protecting my daughter and the woman that she will become. Why should I stop there when there are, on average, 1.3 million women in the United States that struggle every year. So here it is . . . my pact to never silence myself from such a difficult topic, in hopes of protecting so many that are, or will be, as scared as I was.

If there is ever a moment where you have to convince yourself that what is being done to you is acceptable. It isn't. Trust yourself. Stand strong.