Friday, August 28, 2015

I am woman.

I've been searching for a place to start.

Maybe not a place, rather a time.
Now feels as right as any.

Now feels perfect.

I am rocking (violently as my husband describes it) my newborn and extending my fingers to their limit to reach the keyboard, resting on the side table. You should see the jumbled mess I create before editing.

My chin rests against a cheek. The softest skin I have ever known. The patterned breath of a newborn physically... literally... slows my heart. I can breathe.

When my little flower was born, I found myself. I felt real for the first time. There was no question as to who or what I was supposed to me. She broke every rigid shield I had built around me. Every callous, softened. Every thorn was worn smooth. I'll never be able to thank her as there truly are no words.

I became so much more than a mother.

With all of  my seldom seen vulnerability exposed,  a strength, stranger than any other grew inside me. Strong. Fierce. Powerful. Brave. Mighty.

Soft. Sensitive. Discerning. Understanding.

How it could feel like all of these things is beyond me.

Motherhood is so ... crazy.
Something happens in your heart of hearts that cannot be explained. You just change. Everything you once were or once thought is gone. Nothing you have ever been before matters.

Maybe I am speculating here and I know God does this with all his creations. . . but, Imagine His reaction when he created woman. He saw that is was good.
I know he cannot be taken by surprise but I love to imagine his reaction to woman as something engulfed with pride. "This is a wonderful creation".

He created a body from a single rib. A body with a mind far different than any other creature on this earth. Think about your instincts as a woman (I use the term woman to mean whatever it means to you. Single. Married. Mother. Aunt. Sister. Wife.  Whatever it means to you!!) and the way your brain  functions. Your intuition. Your emotions. Your weaknesses. Your strengths.  It blows my mind!!
There is no doubt in my mind that these things were intentional to the core.
Wow.

In the midst of all of this greatness, I feel predisposed to defeat.
I am incredibly blessed with a husband (YES! I got married since my last blogpost!! .. to a man who was literally created as my other half. I am sure of it) who works hard to allow me to raise our children (YES! We had another baby! A beautiful boy who shares a birthday with his big sister!) all day everyday.

As a woman, I've always felt confident as a mother. I've always know this was my strong suit... this was my calling as a woman. How can I be blindsided by all of the thoughts that challenge this part of my identity?!

My house is never clean, I can't catch up. I am filled with guilt because my little flower asks me to play and I'm too busy trying to catch up on last weeks laundry. The baby is crying and I'm nursing him to the 600th time today.. I haven't brushed my hair or showered in 2 days and I am sure my husband has noticed. Dinner isn't even on my radar and its 5pm. Supermom on Facebook is physically building a house, hand-making all of their clothes, and teaching her 6 young children calculus in her spare time (I can't even handle 2). I yelled at my flower for making a mess with her toys and  I am stifling her from all that she is supposed to be. My husband is the only person I have to call when I need a seed of sanity (which is a whole different side of guilt within its self, but that's for a different post). I know you are adding to this list as you read and changing it based on your role in your home.
But ... this^^ this up here  is what I look like.


I go back to our talk about God creating woman. I am a creation far too great to feel defeated. I was not created to fail or to feel mediocre. I was created to be GREAT, to be capable of things far bigger than my own understanding. Don't mistake this for me saying that you need to be and are capable of being the woman who has it all together with a perfectly clean house, well-behaved children, homeschool and pinterest "wins" in every room. Our views of successful "womaning" all look different because...

We are all so different. Our children are all different...
God is the only constant in our lives and I don't believe he created us inequal or inadequate. He didn't give some of us the gift of "all that is woman" and left the other to the wolves.
We are all great. We are all unique. We are all perfect.

The only thing we should be striving for is laying our head down at night and thinking, " I was a better woman today than I was yesterday".
I challenge myself, first, and all of you to do just that. Pick something important to your journey today and strive to  lay your head on the pillow tonight,  knowing that you gave it your best shot.
Tonight, I will lay down my head knowing my house is a mess and I will be glad and rejoice in it ... because, I will have been a better mother than I was this morning. I will hold my son and make sure, without a doubt, that he knows he is loved more than a pile of laundry. He will hear who our Almighty Creator is, and he will know that a man, by the name of Jesus, died just for him!

 I will lay my head down proud of the woman I am and the woman I will become tomorrow.