Follow Your Heart.

Never settle.

I don't mean go on a tirade and demand , demand, demand!

It's all about how you look at it.
How you perceive every card that is dealt. Maybe it wasn't exactly what you had hoped for or thought you wanted. If you are lucky enough to have an open mind, the fog will clear, and something beyond what you ever imagined will present itself.
We all have this picture of what we think we want. And that is what is behind our own unhappiness. So you didn't get that job, he doesn't love you, you couldn't afford to go on that girls' trip. . . because it wasn't supposed to happen! Quiet your mind once in a while, and listen to the signs around you. We all ask for a sign, but we refuse to listen when it is an answer we don't want to hear.

Let the universe do you a favor. Just listen.

There is no reason that you should ever feel like you've settled. If it doesn't feel right. It isn't!
If it doesn't make your heart beat and your soul dance.  Walk away.
But do not allow that to deter you from what it is you desire.

Apparently it isn't what you need. So change your attitude.
 Be confident that it fell apart for a reason. That what is meant to be will be. That when the timing is just right, the universe will send whatever it is that will complete your needs.
But . . .
You have to be willing to accept it in forms that may be unfamiliar to you.
Unfamiliar yet perfect.

Time.

Where has time gone?
My sweet newborn baby will be 7 months old in just a few short days.
7 months? Excuse me?

Wasn't it only a week ago that I was feeling her little toes tapping in my tummy?
You don't realize how precious moments are until they become a memory.

A moment is measured in seconds, minutes, days. . . .


24 hours in a day. 30 days in a month, give or take.
How many moments have I let slip away?
12 months in a year - 7 months that Amelia has been in this world = 5 months until another year of my life has passed.
21 years I have been living - 7 months of life changing moments = 20 years and 5 months of not knowing what life was about!
If I live to be 100 years old, I have now lived 21% of my life, and in that short period of time, I have learned and experienced so much!
From entering the world without a single idea of what to expect, to being a mother and thinking I have life figured out. . . well , I must be delusional. How can there be much more than this? This feeling of being so complete and having such a grand purpose in the world, is a new high. I can't imagine what the next 79% of my life will prove. It gives me a sense of ..... appreciation, for the wisdom held by those so much older than myself .

I am so unsure of what the future holds for us

What I am sure of, is that if I don't savor every moment, slow down and enjoy, listen, play, laugh, love . . . the years will pass me by faster than ever.

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My little flower has 2 teeth. Those pearly whites just shine with each crooked grin.
I have never been in the presence of such a sweet and loving child. Such a beautiful little soul.

On another note, she is quite the HAM! She must always be the center of attention, ignoring everything else going on at the sight of a camera! And Lord help us if a man walks in the room! She is boy crazy! The goo-goo eyes have been perfected and she has made it quite clear she is out to steal hearts. She is her momma's child    ; )   haha

We are almost crawling. She takes a step, flops down on her belly, and is back at it. I can't turn my back for a moment. She travels at a foot a second. . . . Lord knows I need energy to keep an eye on this one.
Hands are already full!

She is clapping her little hands more often than not, and her favorite expression is "oh!". When she see's something she likes or grabs her attention, it is all she can do to "oh, oh , ooohh" followed by a sweet smile! haha
The most precious thing I have ever seen, most like everything else she does.

After playing with her toys, she picks them up, one by one and places them in her box, all by herself! This will be a game we continue for years to come!
She reaches for Momma when she see's me and can stand up in her crib. . . . Sigh.
Disciplining a princess to sleep in her crib or self soothe when these two things, paired with a heart piercing cry occur, may be the hardest thing I have been faced with.
That may be why she still spends several hours a night in bed with me... Oy.

"Just let her cry it out" . . . . Yea. Not that easy.

What is most mind-boggling is , each of the new things she has learned, has literally happened almost instantaneously. Nothing leading up to them, she just .... does it. Slow down.

On that note. I'm going to go brew another pot of coffee.

Update.

So the past few weeks have been pretty wonderful and frustrating all at once.

First and Foremost.

• Amelia has officially cut two teeth! As if her smile wasn't the most precious thing already? I knew it would happen, but I was "nipped" for the first time last week, and it broke  the skin! A light flick on the nose and we haven't had a problem since. haha
• We are on the move! She is pushing up on her hands and knees and swinging forward and backward. It won't be long now. She has figured out how to scoot herself all over the place, resulting in me never being able to turn my back for a second. After a quick bathroom trip last week, I came back to a baby 6 feet from where I left her with a sock in her mouth.

I am so proud of the beautiful kind little girl Amelia is turning out to be. She holds on and pulls me close to her every time I pick her up. I couldn't imagine a better feeling.

 Life has taken several unexpected turns the past week or two, and while I am trying to figure out all of these foreign emotions running through me, I can't help but just escape to her. We talk and play for hours and nothing else in the world matters. I  know it sounds silly, but in my heart, I know she understands. While I never talk to her about anything negative, I think she hears what is in my heart, and knows exactly what to do to subside any doubts or fears, even if only for a moment. 

Sometimes I feel guilty, even focusing on me for a minute. But in doing so, I've learned some things about myself that I haven't come to terms with. I reached a moment of enlightenment, but that is a whole different story. 

On to other news. 

I am a crazy knitting lady. I have made a multitude of baby hats and scarves and ear muffs the past few days, with so many other ideas left to put out! Sometimes, you just need an excuse to slow down, relax, and reflect. Not to mention, the satisfaction of holding the fruit of your own labor is pretty rewarding in itself. 

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Every moment is the guru.

"Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is but good; if it does not, it is of no use. Carlos Castaneda 

     I awoke from a rather bland dream the other night, as a result of a feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's pretty typical for me to wake up in the middle of the night, just because I am in need of seeing my baby's face, but this felt different. I immediately began writing this exact blog, and none of it made sense until now. I am still in awe at how a spontaneous conversation can clear the fog, and in a very indirect way, teach me a lesson.

     The dream I was having was very simple.  I was sitting in an unfamiliar place with a few familiar faces, feeding Amelia with a bright orange spoon. Her hair was strawberry blonde, but under the sun, it was sparkling like gold. I could feel every sensation and I remember looking at her, in the dream,  and thinking, why is this relevant to my life right now. 

     Everything is relevant.

     I have always been extremely independent. I am a self-sufficient, strong willed, hard headed, controlling, and over achieving woman. I have spent countless hours questioning my previous and future choices. I've made extensive and detailed lists containing my life dreams and goals. I am constantly checking off an imaginary checklist. I have this picture perfect life envisioned, down to the color of the shutters on my non-existent house, and everything that comes into my life is subject to this list of expectations. As i begin down my checklist, looking for the slightest thing to fall short, I practically ask the universe for something to go wrong. There comes some sort of satisfaction from something not being 'good enough' for me. What I can't seem to understand, is why I am even searching for happiness when I am not even willing to allow it into my life. 

     What does this have to do with anything? 

     I have come to the conclusion that when you base your life goals, dreams and expectations on anything other than what makes your heart beat, you are setting yourself up for defeat. Reason and logic will only get you so far! Use it to make things happen, use your heart to decide what those things will be. 

     When I think of happiness, I don't think of a tingly sensation in my brain. It is a flutter in your stomach, a strong beat of your heart, an irrevocable smile,  a free-to-fly soul, a sense of peace. My heart feels full when I make a woman, or man feel beautiful, sing,  write,  share a laugh with someone,. When I look into my daughters eyes, see a flower, taste a ripe peach, make something with my hands, nurse my child, see an animal, praise God. When I touch the pages of a handwritten work, feel a baby kick , share a kiss or an embrace, challenge someone to be a better version of themselves. When I feel a loving touch, show gratitude, make a difference in the world, stand up for another, and tell someone how I feel. 

These  are the things that make me happy. 

     It isn't the yellow house with blue shutters, it's the memory I know I am going to make painting those shutters blue and the satisfaction I get every time I look at them. It isn't having a picture perfect man by my side, its having someone who knows my soul and understands the inner workings of my heart and mind, making every moment euphoric to share . It isn't the money that I will work so hard to acquire, its the places I can go, the people I can meet and things I can do for them. 

    In my dream I was surrounded by people I know, in an insignificant place, doing a typical and mundane task. What I didn't see, was that, every person that was there is responsible for my happiness, on many different levels. Feeding Amelia is, in a way , metaphoric for me giving, nourishing, raising, and enjoying a beautiful little life. She is the sole reason my heart beats. Sitting in the grass outside, enjoying God's grand design, feeling the cool breeze on my skin, feeling the sun kiss my shoulders and smelling the fresh spring air couldn't portray what I love about nature any more.

     What it comes down to is, in order to be happy, throw away the lists, the over-thought  plans, the money-based goals. Let your brain do the thinking. Live with your heart. Do what makes your soul dance. And learn with every second your heart beats.