Friday, February 15, 2013

For the love of my baby.

     For the first time, 2 nights ago, I let Amelia put herself to sleep. Since she was born, I have always snuggled her warm little body as close as I could, and nursed her off into dreamland. I felt so naked sleeping without her.  While I absolutely love being so close to her, she is almost 10 months old and Momma would love to have time to get a few things done in the evenings, without being forced to go to bed with A every night. It is such a bitter-sweet feeling as I sit here on the couch watching her sleep, peacefully, on the monitor. I know it is rather selfish but the thought of her not needing me to feel comfortable enough to fall asleep is a little heart wrenching. She will always need me . . . right?!

This feeling has come all too soon. 

Tonight marks night two, and rather than sobbing herself to sleep after 45 minutes, she simply sat and played until she was ready to pass out. And by pass out . . . I mean pass out in the, fall over because she can no longer hold her body up and lose consciousness in a mere second, sort of way  It was rather painless.  I am currently still fighting the urge to barge upstairs into her room and scoop her up into my arms, forcing her to snuggle up for my mom-ego's sake. 

I remember mothers telling me how wonderful the smell of a newborn baby's head is. They would go on and on about this phantom scent that they couldn't really explain. To be quite honest, I thought they were beyond insane.Guess what?!  I can still smell it strong as the day she was born, and there is absolutely nothing like it. It is a smell that you could never describe, never replicate, never share outside of mother and child. As I laid her in her crib tonight, I hugged her precious little body and kissed her head, remembering the smell I had taken for granted the past few months. Trying to breathe it in again, I found its absence. My heart sank, a lump grew heavier in my throat and my nose and eyes burned with a strong desire to cry. 

I read book after book preparing me for what was about to come at every stage of her development . . . Even with the many things I have had to learn via experience, I have never felt that I didn't have a grip on the situation. But nothing  and I mean nothing could ever prepare my heart for the overwhelming joy and sadness it would encounter during her development. 

Our entire lives, we have been told that women are just more emotional than men. While I absolutely  agree, the emotions that run through me as a result of mothering a life are not even open to being justified as "hormonal" or "emotional". The feeling you get when you see the face of your child for the first time, nourish their little bodies with only what God has provided and seeing them grow as a result of it, feel them "hug" you back for the first time, see them smile, watch them play, learn , engage, cry, hurt, want, need, love, touch, taste, feel . . . . it originates from the bottom of your heart. It is the essence of your being. There is not a single doubt that the Lord sent me to this world to be a mother, first and foremost.

I can never repay God for the most wonderful blessing and gift I have ever received, but I cannot wait to thank Him, every day, for the rest of my life, by living and raising my children for Him. 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Where's my baby?

Foreword: I am the most unorganized and eclectic writer so prepare yourself for me to jump all over the page in this one. So many thoughts have been consuming me for days and unfortunately for you, there is absolutely no rhyme or reason for this trainwreck of a blog. Enjoy!

Little Flower is 9 months old as of the 3rd. 

While she is still considered an infant, I no longer look at her as a baby. She is maturing and growing so rapidly that I now see a child; a beautiful, intelligent, loving, headstrong little girl.
Where is MY BABY!?!?!
She has been replaced with a child that can roam around.freely, entertaining herself for hours. She reads picture books, turning each page without a single tear. I see her study just about everything she comes in contact with. She wants to know its purpose, and how it works.
She is no longer as interested in the wrapper, but more so in how to open it and examine what is inside.
The snack containers have been mastered as you can see . . .

She is crawling at the speed of lightening and will be walking , I am guessing, within the month. She has stood up (unassisted) several times, but falls once she realizes she is solo. She is a tough kid, let me tell you what. Momma aint raisin' no wimp. Of course I would never let her fall in a situation where I know she could get hurt. With that said, she bonks herself pretty frequently (as with any mobile child) and, IF she cries, it is only a quick second until I let her know everything is alright..
I am extremely nurturing. I practice attachment parenting and am all about skin-to-skin care, being her rescuer, calming every tear . . . but I refuse to have a 5 year old who has a meltdown when she scuffs a knee on the playground. No sir.

Her big thing right now is sharing. well . . . kind of. She shares all of her snacks with Zuki (our dog) and she absolutely doesn't mind at all. Whether it be a snack or a toy, she extends it to her neighbor, occasionally actually handing it over, but the majority of the time she keeps a firm grip and takes it back before you even have a chance. Regardless of the outcome, she gives the biggest smile you have ever seen. I guess it is the thought that counts.
While I stress how incredibly sweet and loving Amelia is, Ryan and I have deemed her the bully child  (we have even given her an alter-ego as well). She is a big smile-er, but nothing makes her smile more than when she is "beating the love" into someone.  The child literally cackles at the reaction she gets from her (assisted) karate kicks and judo chops. I used to think it was so adorable and cute. I am no longer fooled. Kid packs a punch that you can hear across the house. I entirely believe that she has no idea she causing literal physical harm, but I have seen stars on several occasions. Oy.
I have always been anti-TV. I thought it was a horrible, brain rotting box most commonly used as a baby sitter for lazy parents. Wrong. It is a God-send for sane parents. That thirty minutes in the morning that she is actively interacting with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is my saving grace. It is the designated "hot coffee" time-slot, considering it always gets cold before i have a chance to drink it every other time. Anyhow, it is surprisingly educational and she is picking things up from the show already! It is unreal to see her completely drop EVERYTHING she is doing when the Hotdog Song comes on. She immediately puts all her attention to Mickey and dances her little heart out.
Flower has some rhythm! Every time she hears music of any kind, on television, Ryan playing his guitar, basketball games, church, in the car... you better believe  she is a dancing machine and smiling like no other. I always play the radio during bath time and when she is out of the tub, that naked little butt is gone and groovin'!
Hands down the cutest thing on the planet!

Amelia's vocabulary is getting broader. She mimmicks different laughs and coughs, says momma, nana (nursey), bye-bye, bubba, hello, yellow, paw-paw, Jada (dayda), pop-pop (popsicle) & apple. There have been a few others that she has said once or twice, but I don't think she actually knows what they mean yet.
She loves her pop-pop's, Bub gave her a little lick of a fruit Popsicle a few weeks ago when she was teething and it became a bonding ritual for them I think. They were gone to Florida for a week and when they got home, first thing , he and Amelia are back to sharing their popsicles.
She has six pearly whites and two more just below the surface. I think we have a week or two for these, considering she has been a complete angel the past few days.

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I have never been so attached and in love with something as I am with being a mother. Everyday is such an incredible and unique adventure and  I thank God for such a surreal blessing. The changes my life has seen the past few years is such a reminder of how incredible change is.  I see so many changes coming and am welcoming each with open arms.