Monday, September 24, 2012

coexist.

Today was hard for me. Harder than most other days. I suppose that's life, and regardless of how "figured out" we think we have it, there are always new obstacles presenting themselves. Jumping every hurdle set in place, and exceeding goals and expectations is what will set you apart and get you where you want to go. In life and in motherhood.
I'm having a difficult time differentiating my personal life from motherhood. I think I am beginning to realize that they truly are one. The obstacles I face are never anything less than directly involved with A.
Should I try and gain my sense of self and identity back?
Or should I embrace the fact that my life revolves around my daughter and that, this is what life is truly about?
I find it hard to believe that you can keep your sanity without possessing your individuality. How do you keep yourself above water when you are on call 24/7 and have lost all sense of adventure/passion/sexuality/freedom, outside of motherhood.
Are those things meant to be experienced prior to giving life, never to be felt again, or are they allowed to coincide in life? And how do they coexist in harmony?


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Venturing out.

I'm actually nursing A to sleep as I write this. Why? Because for some reason, all my thoughts and emotions about her congregate when I'm nursing. It's the bond we form every single time! This, is my favorite thing about motherhood thus far.

Back to the point.
I left to go grocery shopping, alone, for the first time. Let me tell you, I Really did need that moment alone. I can't even express my love for her, but sometimes, I just need to breathe!
30 minutes in and I get a call from my sister. "Amelia is screaming her head off and nothing is working!"
We'll you know what? Welcome to my world!Haha (My sisters are 17 so I am praying this is the strongest birth control I can supply!)
I had left food out for her (we started solids this week!) and told Jada to try that so I could finish shopping. I took my time! Yes, that may be a little selfish! No, crying won't kill her. I am not one for the 'cry it out method' but Amelia wasn't hurt or hungry, she just missed momma, and I knew that! So I let her.
I walked in the door and hugged her, no more tears.
There is absolutely nothing in this world that will ever make me feel so loved, wanted, needed or special! She wanted her momma, no one else! I never had someone describe that feeling to me when I was pregnant. I'm positive it's because almost every emotion you feel during motherhood is indescribable! Pure love.

We are venturing out in another way. The wonderful world of food! Amelia loves to nurse, but she eats soo much, I literally have no energy by mid day... So substance was mandatory.
I've been making my own baby food, which I had planned to do all along. It's disgusting to think of all the preservatives and chemicals we put in our bodies. Yea, I'm not putting that into my baby!
She loves everything! Avocado, pears, peas, apples, bananas. She smiles with delight. I'm sure her tastebuds are erupting with each new flavor.

As the days pass, and we try new things, her personality grows exponentially! I have a funny kid! She plays games on the daily, and I can see in her eyes, she knows exactly what she's doing. Oh boy! Here we go!

P.S. Go check out my friend Shelby. She writes about her journey as a strong, new momma and might very well be my soul twin. Her blog stands so true to my life and relates to everyone else too I'm sure!

Littlemanlangston.com

Friday, September 7, 2012

sweet dreams.

My little flower has had a tummy ache for days with a fever and a bit of a cough! She has moments of extreme discomfort, that bring about tears but, even when I know she isn't feeling well, she's still smiling. She isn't usually a napper, as she sleeps 10-12 hours at night, but we have been laying down for nap after nap after nap. I can hear it in her whines that she is exhausted. The only way I can get her to rest is holding her against me, one leg lifted higher than the other, her head laying against my chest under my chin. Sitting down isn't an option, so I walk with her, as long as it takes, until she drifts on. I savor every moment.
Maybe I'm weird but I just know after hearing my heartbeat so close for 9 months, laying on my chest hearing it from the outside is what comforts her. I hate that she hurts, but It's an indescribable feeling to know that my closeness gives her enough relief to sleep.


Wednesday, September 5, 2012

the little soul laughs.

Three days ago, my sister Jada and I took Amelia to the Oak Leaf Festival for fireworks. Mind you,  my little flower was far from being a fan to the 4th of July festivities, but, she did beautifully!
Before the fireworks started, we laid down a blanket in the grass. She could not take her eyes off of all the flashing head bands and toys all the kids had. Fireworks lit up the sky and I pulled her focus from the other children, to the night sky. She watched the bright light ride up into the air and explode into an aura of intense color. That's when it happened. 
She laughed.
Not her typical giggle and smile. This was new. This was different. This came from the soul. She was laughing because she was truly happy! The belly laugh I had been waiting for was finally released to fly free, and it was the most beautiful thing I have seen or heard, yet. I knew, at that moment, that I was doing my job; my daughter was laughing.

fear in a perfect world.

My little flower is my partner in crime on my blog spree tonight. 
 With my world moving so incredibly fast, It's impossible to write about everything that comes to me on the daily. So this is going to be a compilation of the past few days. A little eclectic but, then again, so is life. So here goes.
Before I found out I was pregnant, Amelia's dad and I had decided we were content being friends. It was a mutual decision, knowing that we were truly better off that way, and no, I wasn't heartbroken in the least. Life was good. Two weeks later, I was laying in bed, and I just knew something was different. I wasn't surprised to find that I was pregnant. All I could do was laugh. I can't say it was the ideal time in my life, but I can't say that I was hoping the test was negative either.
Pregnancy was the most amazing 9 months of my life. I had never felt so happy, so beautiful or so alive. I knew I was going to be a single mother, but I can't remember ever feeling lonely during my pregnancy. I was so determined to make sure my child had a positive environment to grow and I was not going to taint it with my negative or selfish feelings... and I didn't. Going through pregnancy alone made me stronger than anything I have ever been through, and I loved every single moment of it. I am still amazed at what women are capable of. It's was so empowering to know that I, just me, was capable of harboring life, and bringing it into the world on D-Day.
I read every book, studied every parenting strategy and trend. I was determined to be the most informed, well rounded and prepared mother on the planet. Wrong. Nothing could ever prepare me for what I was about to experience.
When she finally made her debut, 12 days past due, I was overwhelmed with a sense of purpose that I didn't even know was possible. Of course I love my daughter more than life itself, but that can't even describe the way I felt. It was so much more than that.
As I was sitting there nursing A to sleep last night, I couldn't help but stare at her perfect skin, perfect lips, perfect nose, perfect everything, and think that this beautiful little human was the same thing that I watched and felt grow in my tummy for months. And now, I am solely providing nourishment for her to grow in the real world. The female body is so extraordinary.

Anywho.My point being . . . One ugly little doubt has decided to interrupt my crazy, yet perfect, little life.
How can I accept the fact that I couldn't provide Amelia with the family she deserves, and how do I cope with being forced to allow her to be a part of two different families.How do I emotionally hold it together long enough to leave her with her dad and his new wife for any duration of time. How in the world will I be able to be anything but frigid, for having to share her? Is there any way that I can take back time and have never even told him I was pregnant? And does that make me a horrible person to wish for that?
It's not fair for her to pay for my poor judgement. I have faith that God will truly give us the victory and provide Amelia and I with a wholesome family unit to know and love. It will be one that she deserves.




Saturday, September 1, 2012

i hope you dance.

     Today was a wonderful day. Thunderstorms for the majority of the day. Dark and gloomy, but perfect for cuddling. We put our jerseys on and pretended to pay attention to the football game but instead, Amelia and I turned on the music and danced in the living room. She would lay her sweet head on my chest, catch my eye, and give me the sweetest little smile I have ever seen. If that won't melt your heart, I don't know what will. I treasure these days where I can hold her close and just breathe her in. There is nothing like the smell of a baby's head, especially your own. I think the smell is forever embedded in my memory.
     Every so often, she would take her little hand, and ever so gently, place it on my face. I almost burst into tears. That touch was almost overwhelming. There is nothing that ever comes from her, aside from pure love. Every second I spend with her adds beauty and meaning to my life. What in the world was I living for before? I don't even remember what my life was about before Amelia.
     She has challenged everything I stand for, every choice I have ever made and will make, my spirituality, my world. She has made me grow as an individual and see the world through innocent eyes once again. The world is truly beautiful for the first time in my adult life. I now cherish the little moments of life; every smile, sound, look, tear. I am a mother. I never truly understood what that word meant until she entered my world.
I am in love.

my love.

     I began a blog just for myself, to write about how I feel, express MY individuality. I needed an out amidst the changes of motherhood. You can find it at gypsysoulsavy.blogspot.com
     In order to keep a little place in my life, just for me, I decided to link this blog to my other . This gives me the freedom to write about the most influential and beautiful person in my life, my daughter, without compromising my time devoted to me. It also allows anyone who is following any of my several blogs, access to other pieces of my life.
     So here it is! My place entirely devoted to the most beautiful soul I have ever know.

                                                          My Little Amelia Flower.

   


"Know you what it is to be an innocent babe? It is to have a spirit. It is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief; it is to be so little that the elves and fairies can reach to whisper in your ear; it is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its own soul."
                - Francis Thompson