Standing Strong.

Today is a beautiful day.
The first day of December will always stand strong in my mind , but today gives it a whole new meaning to me.
I have realized something that I have avoided thinking about for a long time, and having a daughter now, it is something that I must keep strong in my heart.

I am a survivor of domestic violence.
Today marks the day that I saved myself.
I used to avoid using the word survivor because it makes me seem like I was in a position that I had no control over. And in a way, I didn't. However, it is not something that people feel comfortable talking about. I know I didn't. I guess there was a lot of shame and pain behind the experience I had.
But, if I don't talk about it, how will I ever have the opportunity to help someone else survive. More importantly, how will I educate my daughter on how to recognize the warning signs before it is too late.

Sometimes you have to bite the bullet. Leave your pride at the door and speak out about something less than  anything to be proud of.

It will be a day when pigs fly that I ever put my pride before protecting my daughter and the woman that she will become. Why should I stop there when there are, on average, 1.3 million women in the United States that struggle every year. So here it is . . . my pact to never silence myself from such a difficult topic, in hopes of protecting so many that are, or will be, as scared as I was.

If there is ever a moment where you have to convince yourself that what is being done to you is acceptable. It isn't. Trust yourself. Stand strong.

Follow Your Heart.

Never settle.

I don't mean go on a tirade and demand , demand, demand!

It's all about how you look at it.
How you perceive every card that is dealt. Maybe it wasn't exactly what you had hoped for or thought you wanted. If you are lucky enough to have an open mind, the fog will clear, and something beyond what you ever imagined will present itself.
We all have this picture of what we think we want. And that is what is behind our own unhappiness. So you didn't get that job, he doesn't love you, you couldn't afford to go on that girls' trip. . . because it wasn't supposed to happen! Quiet your mind once in a while, and listen to the signs around you. We all ask for a sign, but we refuse to listen when it is an answer we don't want to hear.

Let the universe do you a favor. Just listen.

There is no reason that you should ever feel like you've settled. If it doesn't feel right. It isn't!
If it doesn't make your heart beat and your soul dance.  Walk away.
But do not allow that to deter you from what it is you desire.

Apparently it isn't what you need. So change your attitude.
 Be confident that it fell apart for a reason. That what is meant to be will be. That when the timing is just right, the universe will send whatever it is that will complete your needs.
But . . .
You have to be willing to accept it in forms that may be unfamiliar to you.
Unfamiliar yet perfect.

Time.

Where has time gone?
My sweet newborn baby will be 7 months old in just a few short days.
7 months? Excuse me?

Wasn't it only a week ago that I was feeling her little toes tapping in my tummy?
You don't realize how precious moments are until they become a memory.

A moment is measured in seconds, minutes, days. . . .


24 hours in a day. 30 days in a month, give or take.
How many moments have I let slip away?
12 months in a year - 7 months that Amelia has been in this world = 5 months until another year of my life has passed.
21 years I have been living - 7 months of life changing moments = 20 years and 5 months of not knowing what life was about!
If I live to be 100 years old, I have now lived 21% of my life, and in that short period of time, I have learned and experienced so much!
From entering the world without a single idea of what to expect, to being a mother and thinking I have life figured out. . . well , I must be delusional. How can there be much more than this? This feeling of being so complete and having such a grand purpose in the world, is a new high. I can't imagine what the next 79% of my life will prove. It gives me a sense of ..... appreciation, for the wisdom held by those so much older than myself .

I am so unsure of what the future holds for us

What I am sure of, is that if I don't savor every moment, slow down and enjoy, listen, play, laugh, love . . . the years will pass me by faster than ever.

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My little flower has 2 teeth. Those pearly whites just shine with each crooked grin.
I have never been in the presence of such a sweet and loving child. Such a beautiful little soul.

On another note, she is quite the HAM! She must always be the center of attention, ignoring everything else going on at the sight of a camera! And Lord help us if a man walks in the room! She is boy crazy! The goo-goo eyes have been perfected and she has made it quite clear she is out to steal hearts. She is her momma's child    ; )   haha

We are almost crawling. She takes a step, flops down on her belly, and is back at it. I can't turn my back for a moment. She travels at a foot a second. . . . Lord knows I need energy to keep an eye on this one.
Hands are already full!

She is clapping her little hands more often than not, and her favorite expression is "oh!". When she see's something she likes or grabs her attention, it is all she can do to "oh, oh , ooohh" followed by a sweet smile! haha
The most precious thing I have ever seen, most like everything else she does.

After playing with her toys, she picks them up, one by one and places them in her box, all by herself! This will be a game we continue for years to come!
She reaches for Momma when she see's me and can stand up in her crib. . . . Sigh.
Disciplining a princess to sleep in her crib or self soothe when these two things, paired with a heart piercing cry occur, may be the hardest thing I have been faced with.
That may be why she still spends several hours a night in bed with me... Oy.

"Just let her cry it out" . . . . Yea. Not that easy.

What is most mind-boggling is , each of the new things she has learned, has literally happened almost instantaneously. Nothing leading up to them, she just .... does it. Slow down.

On that note. I'm going to go brew another pot of coffee.

Update.

So the past few weeks have been pretty wonderful and frustrating all at once.

First and Foremost.

• Amelia has officially cut two teeth! As if her smile wasn't the most precious thing already? I knew it would happen, but I was "nipped" for the first time last week, and it broke  the skin! A light flick on the nose and we haven't had a problem since. haha
• We are on the move! She is pushing up on her hands and knees and swinging forward and backward. It won't be long now. She has figured out how to scoot herself all over the place, resulting in me never being able to turn my back for a second. After a quick bathroom trip last week, I came back to a baby 6 feet from where I left her with a sock in her mouth.

I am so proud of the beautiful kind little girl Amelia is turning out to be. She holds on and pulls me close to her every time I pick her up. I couldn't imagine a better feeling.

 Life has taken several unexpected turns the past week or two, and while I am trying to figure out all of these foreign emotions running through me, I can't help but just escape to her. We talk and play for hours and nothing else in the world matters. I  know it sounds silly, but in my heart, I know she understands. While I never talk to her about anything negative, I think she hears what is in my heart, and knows exactly what to do to subside any doubts or fears, even if only for a moment. 

Sometimes I feel guilty, even focusing on me for a minute. But in doing so, I've learned some things about myself that I haven't come to terms with. I reached a moment of enlightenment, but that is a whole different story. 

On to other news. 

I am a crazy knitting lady. I have made a multitude of baby hats and scarves and ear muffs the past few days, with so many other ideas left to put out! Sometimes, you just need an excuse to slow down, relax, and reflect. Not to mention, the satisfaction of holding the fruit of your own labor is pretty rewarding in itself. 

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Every moment is the guru.

"Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is but good; if it does not, it is of no use. Carlos Castaneda 

     I awoke from a rather bland dream the other night, as a result of a feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's pretty typical for me to wake up in the middle of the night, just because I am in need of seeing my baby's face, but this felt different. I immediately began writing this exact blog, and none of it made sense until now. I am still in awe at how a spontaneous conversation can clear the fog, and in a very indirect way, teach me a lesson.

     The dream I was having was very simple.  I was sitting in an unfamiliar place with a few familiar faces, feeding Amelia with a bright orange spoon. Her hair was strawberry blonde, but under the sun, it was sparkling like gold. I could feel every sensation and I remember looking at her, in the dream,  and thinking, why is this relevant to my life right now. 

     Everything is relevant.

     I have always been extremely independent. I am a self-sufficient, strong willed, hard headed, controlling, and over achieving woman. I have spent countless hours questioning my previous and future choices. I've made extensive and detailed lists containing my life dreams and goals. I am constantly checking off an imaginary checklist. I have this picture perfect life envisioned, down to the color of the shutters on my non-existent house, and everything that comes into my life is subject to this list of expectations. As i begin down my checklist, looking for the slightest thing to fall short, I practically ask the universe for something to go wrong. There comes some sort of satisfaction from something not being 'good enough' for me. What I can't seem to understand, is why I am even searching for happiness when I am not even willing to allow it into my life. 

     What does this have to do with anything? 

     I have come to the conclusion that when you base your life goals, dreams and expectations on anything other than what makes your heart beat, you are setting yourself up for defeat. Reason and logic will only get you so far! Use it to make things happen, use your heart to decide what those things will be. 

     When I think of happiness, I don't think of a tingly sensation in my brain. It is a flutter in your stomach, a strong beat of your heart, an irrevocable smile,  a free-to-fly soul, a sense of peace. My heart feels full when I make a woman, or man feel beautiful, sing,  write,  share a laugh with someone,. When I look into my daughters eyes, see a flower, taste a ripe peach, make something with my hands, nurse my child, see an animal, praise God. When I touch the pages of a handwritten work, feel a baby kick , share a kiss or an embrace, challenge someone to be a better version of themselves. When I feel a loving touch, show gratitude, make a difference in the world, stand up for another, and tell someone how I feel. 

These  are the things that make me happy. 

     It isn't the yellow house with blue shutters, it's the memory I know I am going to make painting those shutters blue and the satisfaction I get every time I look at them. It isn't having a picture perfect man by my side, its having someone who knows my soul and understands the inner workings of my heart and mind, making every moment euphoric to share . It isn't the money that I will work so hard to acquire, its the places I can go, the people I can meet and things I can do for them. 

    In my dream I was surrounded by people I know, in an insignificant place, doing a typical and mundane task. What I didn't see, was that, every person that was there is responsible for my happiness, on many different levels. Feeding Amelia is, in a way , metaphoric for me giving, nourishing, raising, and enjoying a beautiful little life. She is the sole reason my heart beats. Sitting in the grass outside, enjoying God's grand design, feeling the cool breeze on my skin, feeling the sun kiss my shoulders and smelling the fresh spring air couldn't portray what I love about nature any more.

     What it comes down to is, in order to be happy, throw away the lists, the over-thought  plans, the money-based goals. Let your brain do the thinking. Live with your heart. Do what makes your soul dance. And learn with every second your heart beats.

     

     

Woman, Man and Child.

There have been a multitude of occasions where I get so lost in the here-and-now that I literally forget to breathe.

Life shouldn't be this complex. 

How do you simplify it enough to enjoy it and still move forward?!

The past few years have been full of self-seeking , for me. I know that I will  grow as an individual everyday , but right now, I see 3 monumental moments that really depict the journey of a woman. Granted I did things a little backwards... but everything outside of these moments, literally seems so unimportant. 

1. The moment that you are blessed with giving life and become a mother. 

Now, don't confuse this with getting pregnant and 'taking care' of a child. I am talking about part of your soul  literally grabbing ahold of your being and turns your world upside down! The part of a woman's soul that brings pride, intrigue, instinct, love and nurturing into your every moment. It's a monumental moment when you come to a place where you understand that your sole purpose on this Earth is to give life to your child and raise that child to be nothing less than a beautiful, open-minded and kind heart. It's more than changing diapers, feeding and clothing an infant. It's more than spending all your time with him/her, or working your life away to give them the best. It's that moment when nothing else is the world matters except doing what a mother does best, loving, teaching and nurturing. I completely lose myself in my child. 

2. The moment when you find the person that God created for you!

All of our lives, we are so consumed with wanting to be loved, that we never take a moment to recognize that sometimes, we are settling for something that isn't even worth our time. I read a quote that really struck a chord with me.

Sometimes you don't know what your heart wants, until you are presented with what it needs.

All of these 'types' I thought I had, the ideals I had put in place and the petty checklist I pay so much attention to , have all fallen short. That 6'4 lacrosse player with great hair, green eyes, gorgeous smile, likes animals and enjoys long walks on the beach turned out to be a narcissistic jerk. Surprise! The nice guy who was genuinely interested in what I was saying, was content talking about life over a glass of wine, romantic and caring at every chance and never did anything wrong, was physically .... well ... not doing it for me.
Enter baby.
As if finding a soul mate wasn't hard enough as it was, now you have to be more concerned with finding a man fit for your child. Guess what!? It has made it easier. Think about all the men you would have given a chance before, but wouldn't give a second glance to now that you are a mother. The men that are worthy of our time may be far and few in between, now, but realistically, shouldn't it have been that way all along? Our children give us a new set of standards that should have been in working order before they even came along! There would have been far less hurt if we would have recognized what we need, rather than what we think we want!
Instead of the perfect  man candy I picture in my dreams with the washboard abs, perfect tan and perfect smile, I now know what I need. A man! A real man! One that knows how to be the man of the house and take care of his family, emotionally and physically knows how to handle a woman, understands the importance of his children and the time he has with them, has a higher understanding of what life is about, openly communicates, laughs and enjoys life and prides himself on being a good person. Not to say that physical attraction isn't important, but those expectations change.
When we stop trying to force something to work, we give room for what is meant to work. And when God thinks the time is right, he will send that person he has designed to be so monumental in your growth as a woman.And in my case, someone perfect to be a father figure in Amelia's life and add to her growth and development in ways that I m not sure I could.

3. The moment when you find yourself!

This is the most monumental moment in your life. When you find what you were brought here to do. You find your passion, your niche and you run with it! You learn to listen to yourself, trust yourself and truly basque in the wonder of everything that you are! You understand that there is nothing wrong with who you are or the way you think, because it is unique to your soul. When you learn to stand on your own two feet, nobody by your side, and you can feel empowered as a woman, feel alive and content. No man , no friend, no other person can ever bring you to this place, nor rip this feeling away from you! While I truly believe that your soul-mate and your children are monumental to your growth , i also believe it is in a much different way than the journey you take on your own! Be grateful for who and what you are, take pride in the beauty you possess! Don't allow anyone to belittle this moment, or take away its importance. We will seek ourselves out until the end of time. Experience all you can. Appreciate every moment, big and small.  Give thanks to God for allowing you to open your heart in a way that you can truly see right into it.

 Enjoy the journey! 

Here's to you.

I can't help but notice, when life is flying by at the speed of lightening and its all you can do to hold on, the universe sends a glimpse of exactly what you need.

People walk into your life at just the right moment; when you are at your breaking point, waiting for an answer. Sometimes, they only stay long enough to show you what you need to see. Other times, mthey park themselves right into your life, indefinitely. But the point is,  there is a gift in everyone you come in contact with, and there is always something that comes from the relationship. Whether it lasts a moment or a lifetime, its still important. 

The people you never expected to walk into your life, are sometimes the ones that make it all make sense. 

Slow down long enough to appreciate those moments, good and bad, and allow them  to touch you. You never know how someone is going to affect your life. 

coexist.

Today was hard for me. Harder than most other days. I suppose that's life, and regardless of how "figured out" we think we have it, there are always new obstacles presenting themselves. Jumping every hurdle set in place, and exceeding goals and expectations is what will set you apart and get you where you want to go. In life and in motherhood.
I'm having a difficult time differentiating my personal life from motherhood. I think I am beginning to realize that they truly are one. The obstacles I face are never anything less than directly involved with A.
Should I try and gain my sense of self and identity back?
Or should I embrace the fact that my life revolves around my daughter and that, this is what life is truly about?
I find it hard to believe that you can keep your sanity without possessing your individuality. How do you keep yourself above water when you are on call 24/7 and have lost all sense of adventure/passion/sexuality/freedom, outside of motherhood.
Are those things meant to be experienced prior to giving life, never to be felt again, or are they allowed to coincide in life? And how do they coexist in harmony?

Venturing out.

I'm actually nursing A to sleep as I write this. Why? Because for some reason, all my thoughts and emotions about her congregate when I'm nursing. It's the bond we form every single time! This, is my favorite thing about motherhood thus far.

Back to the point.
I left to go grocery shopping, alone, for the first time. Let me tell you, I Really did need that moment alone. I can't even express my love for her, but sometimes, I just need to breathe!
30 minutes in and I get a call from my sister. "Amelia is screaming her head off and nothing is working!"
We'll you know what? Welcome to my world!Haha (My sisters are 17 so I am praying this is the strongest birth control I can supply!)
I had left food out for her (we started solids this week!) and told Jada to try that so I could finish shopping. I took my time! Yes, that may be a little selfish! No, crying won't kill her. I am not one for the 'cry it out method' but Amelia wasn't hurt or hungry, she just missed momma, and I knew that! So I let her.
I walked in the door and hugged her, no more tears.
There is absolutely nothing in this world that will ever make me feel so loved, wanted, needed or special! She wanted her momma, no one else! I never had someone describe that feeling to me when I was pregnant. I'm positive it's because almost every emotion you feel during motherhood is indescribable! Pure love.

We are venturing out in another way. The wonderful world of food! Amelia loves to nurse, but she eats soo much, I literally have no energy by mid day... So substance was mandatory.
I've been making my own baby food, which I had planned to do all along. It's disgusting to think of all the preservatives and chemicals we put in our bodies. Yea, I'm not putting that into my baby!
She loves everything! Avocado, pears, peas, apples, bananas. She smiles with delight. I'm sure her tastebuds are erupting with each new flavor.

As the days pass, and we try new things, her personality grows exponentially! I have a funny kid! She plays games on the daily, and I can see in her eyes, she knows exactly what she's doing. Oh boy! Here we go!

P.S. Go check out my friend Shelby. She writes about her journey as a strong, new momma and might very well be my soul twin. Her blog stands so true to my life and relates to everyone else too I'm sure!

Littlemanlangston.com

sweet dreams.

My little flower has had a tummy ache for days with a fever and a bit of a cough! She has moments of extreme discomfort, that bring about tears but, even when I know she isn't feeling well, she's still smiling. She isn't usually a napper, as she sleeps 10-12 hours at night, but we have been laying down for nap after nap after nap. I can hear it in her whines that she is exhausted. The only way I can get her to rest is holding her against me, one leg lifted higher than the other, her head laying against my chest under my chin. Sitting down isn't an option, so I walk with her, as long as it takes, until she drifts on. I savor every moment.
Maybe I'm weird but I just know after hearing my heartbeat so close for 9 months, laying on my chest hearing it from the outside is what comforts her. I hate that she hurts, but It's an indescribable feeling to know that my closeness gives her enough relief to sleep.

the little soul laughs.

Three days ago, my sister Jada and I took Amelia to the Oak Leaf Festival for fireworks. Mind you,  my little flower was far from being a fan to the 4th of July festivities, but, she did beautifully!

Before the fireworks started, we laid down a blanket in the grass. She could not take her eyes off of all the flashing head bands and toys all the kids had. Fireworks lit up the sky and I pulled her focus from the other children, to the night sky. She watched the bright light ride up into the air and explode into an aura of intense color. That's when it happened. 

She laughed.

Not her typical giggle and smile. This was new. This was different. This came from the soul. She was laughing because she was truly happy! The belly laugh I had been waiting for was finally released to fly free, and it was the most beautiful thing I have seen or heard, yet. I knew, at that moment, that I was doing my job; my daughter was laughing.

fear in a perfect world.

My little flower is my partner in crime on my blog spree tonight. 

 With my world moving so incredibly fast, It's impossible to write about everything that comes to me on the daily. So this is going to be a compilation of the past few days. A little eclectic but, then again, so is life. So here goes.
Before I found out I was pregnant, Amelia's dad and I had decided we were content being friends. It was a mutual decision, knowing that we were truly better off that way, and no, I wasn't heartbroken in the least. Life was good. Two weeks later, I was laying in bed, and I just knew something was different. I wasn't surprised to find that I was pregnant. All I could do was laugh. I can't say it was the ideal time in my life, but I can't say that I was hoping the test was negative either.
Pregnancy was the most amazing 9 months of my life. I had never felt so happy, so beautiful or so alive. I knew I was going to be a single mother, but I can't remember ever feeling lonely during my pregnancy. I was so determined to make sure my child had a positive environment to grow and I was not going to taint it with my negative or selfish feelings... and I didn't. Going through pregnancy alone made me stronger than anything I have ever been through, and I loved every single moment of it. I am still amazed at what women are capable of. It's was so empowering to know that I, just me, was capable of harboring life, and bringing it into the world on D-Day.
I read every book, studied every parenting strategy and trend. I was determined to be the most informed, well rounded and prepared mother on the planet. Wrong. Nothing could ever prepare me for what I was about to experience.
When she finally made her debut, 12 days past due, I was overwhelmed with a sense of purpose that I didn't even know was possible. Of course I love my daughter more than life itself, but that can't even describe the way I felt. It was so much more than that.
As I was sitting there nursing A to sleep last night, I couldn't help but stare at her perfect skin, perfect lips, perfect nose, perfect everything, and think that this beautiful little human was the same thing that I watched and felt grow in my tummy for months. And now, I am solely providing nourishment for her to grow in the real world. The female body is so extraordinary.

Anywho.My point being . . . One ugly little doubt has decided to interrupt my crazy, yet perfect, little life.
How can I accept the fact that I couldn't provide Amelia with the family she deserves, and how do I cope with being forced to allow her to be a part of two different families.How do I emotionally hold it together long enough to leave her with her dad and his new wife for any duration of time. How in the world will I be able to be anything but frigid, for having to share her? Is there any way that I can take back time and have never even told him I was pregnant? And does that make me a horrible person to wish for that?
It's not fair for her to pay for my poor judgement. I have faith that God will truly give us the victory and provide Amelia and I with a wholesome family unit to know and love. It will be one that she deserves.

i hope you dance.

     Today was a wonderful day. Thunderstorms for the majority of the day. Dark and gloomy, but perfect for cuddling. We put our jerseys on and pretended to pay attention to the football game but instead, Amelia and I turned on the music and danced in the living room. She would lay her sweet head on my chest, catch my eye, and give me the sweetest little smile I have ever seen. If that won't melt your heart, I don't know what will. I treasure these days where I can hold her close and just breathe her in. There is nothing like the smell of a baby's head, especially your own. I think the smell is forever embedded in my memory.
     Every so often, she would take her little hand, and ever so gently, place it on my face. I almost burst into tears. That touch was almost overwhelming. There is nothing that ever comes from her, aside from pure love. Every second I spend with her adds beauty and meaning to my life. What in the world was I living for before? I don't even remember what my life was about before Amelia.
     She has challenged everything I stand for, every choice I have ever made and will make, my spirituality, my world. She has made me grow as an individual and see the world through innocent eyes once again. The world is truly beautiful for the first time in my adult life. I now cherish the little moments of life; every smile, sound, look, tear. I am a mother. I never truly understood what that word meant until she entered my world.
I am in love.

my love.

     I began a blog just for myself, to write about how I feel, express MY individuality. I needed an out amidst the changes of motherhood. You can find it at gypsysoulsavy.blogspot.com
     In order to keep a little place in my life, just for me, I decided to link this blog to my other . This gives me the freedom to write about the most influential and beautiful person in my life, my daughter, without compromising my time devoted to me. It also allows anyone who is following any of my several blogs, access to other pieces of my life.
     So here it is! My place entirely devoted to the most beautiful soul I have ever know.

                                                          My Little Amelia Flower.

   

"Know you what it is to be an innocent babe? It is to have a spirit. It is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief; it is to be so little that the elves and fairies can reach to whisper in your ear; it is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its own soul."

                - Francis Thompson