fear in a perfect world.

My little flower is my partner in crime on my blog spree tonight. 

 With my world moving so incredibly fast, It's impossible to write about everything that comes to me on the daily. So this is going to be a compilation of the past few days. A little eclectic but, then again, so is life. So here goes.
Before I found out I was pregnant, Amelia's dad and I had decided we were content being friends. It was a mutual decision, knowing that we were truly better off that way, and no, I wasn't heartbroken in the least. Life was good. Two weeks later, I was laying in bed, and I just knew something was different. I wasn't surprised to find that I was pregnant. All I could do was laugh. I can't say it was the ideal time in my life, but I can't say that I was hoping the test was negative either.
Pregnancy was the most amazing 9 months of my life. I had never felt so happy, so beautiful or so alive. I knew I was going to be a single mother, but I can't remember ever feeling lonely during my pregnancy. I was so determined to make sure my child had a positive environment to grow and I was not going to taint it with my negative or selfish feelings... and I didn't. Going through pregnancy alone made me stronger than anything I have ever been through, and I loved every single moment of it. I am still amazed at what women are capable of. It's was so empowering to know that I, just me, was capable of harboring life, and bringing it into the world on D-Day.
I read every book, studied every parenting strategy and trend. I was determined to be the most informed, well rounded and prepared mother on the planet. Wrong. Nothing could ever prepare me for what I was about to experience.
When she finally made her debut, 12 days past due, I was overwhelmed with a sense of purpose that I didn't even know was possible. Of course I love my daughter more than life itself, but that can't even describe the way I felt. It was so much more than that.
As I was sitting there nursing A to sleep last night, I couldn't help but stare at her perfect skin, perfect lips, perfect nose, perfect everything, and think that this beautiful little human was the same thing that I watched and felt grow in my tummy for months. And now, I am solely providing nourishment for her to grow in the real world. The female body is so extraordinary.

Anywho.My point being . . . One ugly little doubt has decided to interrupt my crazy, yet perfect, little life.
How can I accept the fact that I couldn't provide Amelia with the family she deserves, and how do I cope with being forced to allow her to be a part of two different families.How do I emotionally hold it together long enough to leave her with her dad and his new wife for any duration of time. How in the world will I be able to be anything but frigid, for having to share her? Is there any way that I can take back time and have never even told him I was pregnant? And does that make me a horrible person to wish for that?
It's not fair for her to pay for my poor judgement. I have faith that God will truly give us the victory and provide Amelia and I with a wholesome family unit to know and love. It will be one that she deserves.