For the love of my baby.

     For the first time, 2 nights ago, I let Amelia put herself to sleep. Since she was born, I have always snuggled her warm little body as close as I could, and nursed her off into dreamland. I felt so naked sleeping without her.  While I absolutely love being so close to her, she is almost 10 months old and Momma would love to have time to get a few things done in the evenings, without being forced to go to bed with A every night. It is such a bitter-sweet feeling as I sit here on the couch watching her sleep, peacefully, on the monitor. I know it is rather selfish but the thought of her not needing me to feel comfortable enough to fall asleep is a little heart wrenching. She will always need me . . . right?!

This feeling has come all too soon. 

Tonight marks night two, and rather than sobbing herself to sleep after 45 minutes, she simply sat and played until she was ready to pass out. And by pass out . . . I mean pass out in the, fall over because she can no longer hold her body up and lose consciousness in a mere second, sort of way  It was rather painless.  I am currently still fighting the urge to barge upstairs into her room and scoop her up into my arms, forcing her to snuggle up for my mom-ego's sake. 

I remember mothers telling me how wonderful the smell of a newborn baby's head is. They would go on and on about this phantom scent that they couldn't really explain. To be quite honest, I thought they were beyond insane.Guess what?!  I can still smell it strong as the day she was born, and there is absolutely nothing like it. It is a smell that you could never describe, never replicate, never share outside of mother and child. As I laid her in her crib tonight, I hugged her precious little body and kissed her head, remembering the smell I had taken for granted the past few months. Trying to breathe it in again, I found its absence. My heart sank, a lump grew heavier in my throat and my nose and eyes burned with a strong desire to cry. 

I read book after book preparing me for what was about to come at every stage of her development . . . Even with the many things I have had to learn via experience, I have never felt that I didn't have a grip on the situation. But nothing  and I mean nothing could ever prepare my heart for the overwhelming joy and sadness it would encounter during her development. 

Our entire lives, we have been told that women are just more emotional than men. While I absolutely  agree, the emotions that run through me as a result of mothering a life are not even open to being justified as "hormonal" or "emotional". The feeling you get when you see the face of your child for the first time, nourish their little bodies with only what God has provided and seeing them grow as a result of it, feel them "hug" you back for the first time, see them smile, watch them play, learn , engage, cry, hurt, want, need, love, touch, taste, feel . . . . it originates from the bottom of your heart. It is the essence of your being. There is not a single doubt that the Lord sent me to this world to be a mother, first and foremost.

I can never repay God for the most wonderful blessing and gift I have ever received, but I cannot wait to thank Him, every day, for the rest of my life, by living and raising my children for Him.