I am fighting a battle with myself over this silly idea I had to start a blog and track the journey of motherhood. I am so unbelievably angry with myself for allowing the negligence that has recently occurred in this realm. I am angry with myself for not remembering all of the little things that have occurred the past few months since I wrote last. I am angry with myself for EVER thinking that missing a day of documenting Amelia's life was "no big deal" . I am angry with myself for the moment that I am in right now; trying to remember moments in time that have long passed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a mother, I feel so completely suppressed. I am constantly forced to think that the emotions I feel are not "normal". They are habits that need to be broken.
People are constantly giving you advice on how to be a better parent, aka make your job easier:
We generalize children and motherhood like they are an object; all the same.
"Your baby is supposed to sleep through the night in her crib. Never let her sleep with you or she will NEVER sleep alone."
"If you feel like she is too far away and you want to feel closer, that's just a habit of motherhood you have to break. This is what's best for her.... Leave her where she is"
"You are going to feel like you need to pick her up, but by no means actually do it!"
"If she cries, let her put herself back to sleep or she never will!"
"You may think she sounds scared but she's not , she's just being manipulative! By no means should you go in and relieve her from this fake sound of fear."
"Stick to a strict schedule for naps and meal times, or she will never learn to be on a schedule. You will never have freedom."
"You may think she isn't hungry because she isn't eating, but she is and you must force her to eat at ____ o'clock on the dot. Oh and at ____ o'clock, even if she isn't sleepy you need to force her to lay down for a nap."
"Wow , you are still breastfeeding because you feel like its the right thing to do? You and baby both enjoy that bond and she has showed no signs of choosing to stop? You better nip that in the bud or you'll be breastfeeding when she is 30."
.. the list never seems to end
Let me say this.
Amelia has slept with her skin on mine since she was born, not only when she cries, but every night! She falls asleep nursing, unless Ryan walks her to sleep out in the cool night air. If she wakes up in the middle of the night, the first thing she says is "momma". She doesn't scream "momma" she doesn't frantically search for me, scared that I won't come to her rescue because . . . I am laying right there beside her with my hand on her warm little cheek to comfort her, she can hear my heart beat as she has every night of her life, to let her know that all is well in her world. Momma will always be an arms length away when the lights are out and the house is still.
Isn't it human nature to be a little afraid of what you cannot see?
I find it completely cruel and unfair to try and force a child to "get used" to being in the dark alone, when as an adult, I am still a little uneasy in the dark.
She will tell me when she is ready to sleep in her own bed. She will tell me when she is ready to stop nursing. She will tell me when she is ready to do whatever it may be.
By teaching her that she can trust me I am teaching her that ,when she is ready, she can trust me when I tell her something is okay to do on her own. She will gain her independence as she grows and as she matures. When she is ready ....
We don't give them enough credit. Children are incredibly smart. We need to help them through their journey of maturation but we shouldn't be forcing them to do things just because "all the other kids do".
What good comes from forcing something to happen that wasn't ready to happen on its own?
... my guess would be nothing.
One of the patterns I have found in life is the chaos that occurs when someone experiences something they were not ready for. Think about exposure to violence (whether it be fictional or domestic in the home), sexuality (associated with "women" that young girls pick up on extremely young) , intimate relationships, foul language, parents exposing their children to money troubles or putting them in the middle of a divorce ... and the list goes on.
Just think about it. Maybe these aren't applicable to my toddler at this very moment, but the same idea applies.
I'm not saying that it is wrong to have a different style and approach to parenting. Some children do great sleeping alone from the time they were infants.
My point is . . . why do we ever treat children like they are all the same? Human nature gives them immeasurable similarities .... but they aren't manufactured . . . they are conceived and hand-molded by God himself. Each of them special, unique, different.
Why do we feel like we can't "listen" to our children , even before they can talk.
They know what they want and need better than we do.
I am trying to do a better job at just listening to my little flower.
Sometimes when I am having a rough day because she is being a complete crab apple, I have to give myself a little pep-talk and recognize ..... she is the one having a rough day.
I'm not belittling the fact that parents have rough days ,too , because they happen. Bratty and disobedient behavior happens. Discipline is necessary and appropriate.
But take a step back and figure out what exactly it is that they are doing. Are they crying because they are mad that they can't have what they want. OR are they crying because they are upset you took away the sock they were chewing on because their teeth hurt. Are they shredding paper to get under your skin, or are they tearing up paper because it something new they discovered and they thinks its neat to make 10000 tiny pieces from 1 big piece. Is she writing on the wall with her marker because she knows you are the one that has to scrub it off, or does she think the marks she is making are pretty and colorful and just wants to put them everywhere!? Is it really that big of a deal? Learn the difference for yourself and then teach them the difference.
While all of it is frustrating for parents, why teach them that behavior? Why expose them to frustration, aside from alleviating them of their own.
By no means am I saying let your toddler do whatever they want to do. There is a point where they begin to recognize what is acceptable and what isn't. Instill discipline. Let them know who is boss.... but I refuse to believe we were placed in their lives to dictate.
Let them learn. Let them grow. Let them play. Let them feel. Let them talk. Let them think. Let them eat with their fingers. Let them explore.
Teach them manners. Teach them patience, Teach them kindness. Teach them to listen. Teach them to trust. Teach them to love. Teach by example.
Help them do all of these things by being these things for them.
We too often focus on what they are supposed to be doing based on what would make OUR lives easier.
So, until she is comfortable sleeping in her own bed all night, she will sleep in mine. Until she is ready to stop nursing, we will nurse. Until she understands that what she is doing is wrong, I will continue to patiently explain it to her. I will discipline her when she does something she knows is wrong. I will love her unconditionally and show her that unconditional love. I will hold her when she is scared. I will teach her about the things she shows interest in. I will show her manners. I will show her respect. I will talk to her but most importantly I will listen to her.
Thank you for showing me these things, my little flower. Thank you for teaching me how to love, how to (try to) have patience, how to listen even when there are no words, how to slow down, how to live.
I love you more than the moon loves the stars.
No comments:
Post a Comment